Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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