Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she woke up with a sticky ear
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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