So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
