I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
