Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
