yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
