You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
