Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
