I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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