if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
