I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
please come you make the beer taste better
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
