yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
