perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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