I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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