Reggie can tackle my bush.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize