tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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