Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
