I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
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