I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
