FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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