I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
