I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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