God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
