I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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