Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
