I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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