do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
