im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
