i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
