as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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