one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
