will power is for people who don't want to get laid
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
