my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
