I wish I could teleport
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I think I sprained my soul last night
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
