I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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