Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
