if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
