we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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