Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It's Friday. Sex?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
