I didn't shave. On purpose
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
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