"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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