The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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