I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
