i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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