CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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