Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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