just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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