is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
