Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
