it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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