totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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