guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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