Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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