shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
