Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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