I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
