I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize