She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
