Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Randomize
