I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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